Today I read a very interesting blog post on The Inspired Mom by Kristin Coons. Kristin was interviewing writer, Angie Azur about her family history and her work as a soon-to-be published writer. It was an interesting look at success because all the “typical” measures of success in a profession aren’t quite fulfilled yet. Angie has a book at a publisher but not in press yet. She’s been writing for 5 years but doesn’t have a best seller or her name on Oprah’s book club. In fact she’s still working on her Masters degree. Yet Angie (and Kristen and I) are confident about her success. For these women the measure of success is in the happiness and satisfaction that comes from living life on your own terms and pursuing dreams, both personal and professional, in spite of the obstacles. Her success is in the work she does each day to fulfill these goals.
That got me thinking about how we measure success in therapy. As a writer and therapist, I can appreciate Angie’s commitment to the process as a success. In therapy, success is often hard won and bittersweet. It is a success when a client who has been struggling with abuse finally feels safe enough to discuss it in session. It is a success when a couple is able to finally put into words the hurt or anger that has been eating away at their relationship. It is a success when we can take a child with academic issues and finally uncover the learning disabilities that are holding them back. These are moments that are rarely filled with joy and yet they are successes. They are opportunities to change a situation or in some cases just alter one’s perception of a situation and that is ultimately the goal of therapy. Often when we look for our successes we look for tangible goals or external rewards and praise. At work you may feel success when you are given a promotion or move onto a job with a big new salary. At school our children find success in grades and accolades from teachers or peers. And even in my own life outside of therapy I can get caught up looking for external validation for my success whether that means having a new article published or having our practice recognized in the community. But that’s not where real success lies; and it is at those times that I remind myself of the words I often share with my clients… Success is in the process not the final destination.
It is in the small steps, the everyday vicotiries that bring us closer to the people we love or help us to recover from the challenges of life that we find our real triumphs. In fact the act of engaging in therapy is in itself a success because it means you have taken a courageous first step toward healing a relationship or living your life differently. It is in your commitment and determination to continue even when it gets hard or you feel stuck. Therapeutic success is about the clients work, not the therpist’s. When therapy is a over and declared a “success”- it is always your victory, your therapist was just the cheerleader and coach along for the ride. Each time you tried a new skill or approached a problem with a new perspective you have succeeded in taking action to make your life a little better. Each of these small steps add up until before you know it you have transformed yourself, your relationships, and your life.
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